Thoughts of Mary
by dancerose
Summary: Getting into Matthew and Mary's brains
1. First Impressions (Matthew)

Summary: 01x02 Matthew's first impression of Mary

First Impressions

"Lady Mary Crawley," announced Moseley.

_Did she hear me? Not that I care_.

Matthew turned to find the most beautiful woman he'd ever laid eyes on. She was tall and slender with dark hair tucked up into a hat. Her chocolate eyes were big and round.

She took his breath away.

_Mary. Lovely Mary. Oh God I hope she didn't hear me._

Matthew instantly fell in love with her and regretted the hateful words he had spoken just before she entered.

He turned between his mother and Mary trying to regain his ability to speak.

_Say something you imbecile! Speak! Do anything besides standing here like a perfect idiot!_

Matthew couldn't hear the words his mother spoke or most of what Mary replied, but six bitter words rang in his ears…

"I wouldn't want to push in." Mary spat.

_Damn. She heard._


	2. The Only Boy (Mary)

Summary: 02x04 The concert after Matthew's been missing.

The Only Boy

Matthew and William entered the library to find all the men and Mary singing while Edith played the piano. He smiled. When she saw him she stopped singing, bewildered.

_He's alive! Oh thank God he's alive!_

Lord Grantham hurried up to him as the singing died down. "My dear boy. My very dear boy," he said softly.

Matthew looked around. "Well don't stop for me."

I would say such wonderful things to you

There would be such wonderful things to do

If you were the only girl in the world

And I were the only boy

Mary's heart swelled with joy and love and immense relief.

_That toy must still have some luck in it._


	3. Telegram (Mary)

Summary: 02x05 Mary's thoughts when the telegram of Matthew's injury comes.

Telegram

Mary stood in her nightgown while her father read the telegram.

_Matthew has to be ok. Please God let him be alive._

She stared blankly as her parents chattered about the telegram. She couldn't keep up

with their conversation. Mary was too enveloped in her thoughts

_Injured. It's serious but he's alive. He's coming home. What can I do? What would I do without him? I still love him. And who knows who the next bloody heir would be. We need Matthew. I need Matthew._

As she left the library to go back to her room, Mary grabbed Lord Grantham's arm. "Whatever you discover, tell me," she whispered. "Don't hold anything back."

_I just need to know._


	4. What A Waltz (Matthew)

Summary: 02x08 Matthew's thought while he dances with Mary and Lavinia is ill.

What a Waltz

He held his hand out, offering a dance. She held his hand as her hand traced up his arm to his shoulder. They started to dance. Matthew's buried love for Mary swelled in his chest.

"Can you manage without your stick?" Mary asked.

"You are my stick." Matthew smiled at her. As he gazed into her eyes he wondered if he and Mary ever would've worked out, if… things hadn't gotten in the way.

"We were a show that flopped," Mary said quietly, regretfully.

Matthew sighed, "God Mary, I'm so sorry. Do you know how sorry I am?"

He was sorry for the garden party when she asked for more time, for letting her slip through his fingers. He was sorry he met Lavinia, and proposed, and now had to keep his promise. He was sorry he couldn't be with Mary.

He explained Cousin Violet's visit. He explained his dilemma. That he couldn't give her the brush off.

"No matter how much I may want to…" _God I want to._

Then they were kissing. All the feelings Matthew had for Mary bottled up in him began to come out. He never wanted it to end.

"Hello?"

Matthew and Mary broke apart and looked at Lavinia.

_What did she see? What did she hear? How long was she there? What have I done?_


	5. Pamuk: part 1 (Mary)

Summary: 02CS Telling Matthew about the Turkish gentleman.

Pamuk Part 1

When Mary finished her story she searched Matthew's face for signs of… anything. All she saw was confusion and concentration and shock.

_Oh God, now I've done it. He'll never speak to me again. I warned him._

"Did you love him?" Matthew's voice wavered. "Because if it was love…" he trailed off.

"How could it be love?" Mary replied

"The why…" Matthew started.

"It was lust, Matthew!" Mary cried. As she continued speaking, Matthew looked around awkwardly. "I have fallen! I am impure!" she finished.

"Don't joke. Don't make it little, not when I'm trying to understand."

_Now he'll see why I have to stay with Richard._

"You must not marry him." Matthew growled.

_What?_

"So I must brave the storm?" Mary replied

"You're strong. A storm braver if ever I saw one."

_No, Matthew. I'm not Sybil. I am not a rebel, I am not strong, and I care what others think of me._

She told Matthew about the plans for New York.

"You were wrong about one thing," he said.

"Only one? What is that?"

"I never would… I never could despise you." Matthew smiled at her.

_Thank God. What a wonderful thing to be wrong about._


	6. Pamuk: part 2 (Matthew)

Summary: 02CS Finding out about the Turkish gentleman.

Pamuk Part 2

_Oh my God… Mary and Pamuk… in her bed… and he died… how did they…_

Matthew started speaking, asking, just trying to make sense of this fantastic tale.

_If it was love I guess I could get past it… why else would they…._

Now Mary was going on about being impure and how she was made different.

"Don't joke. Don't make it little, not when I'm trying to understand." Matthew glanced around anxiously. He was uncomfortable with the idea of course. Now his mind moved on to Sir Richard.

_That bastard! Threatening ruin for love. Forcing Mary into misery for all eternity. How dare he?!_

"Even so, you must not marry him," he growled.

"So I must brave the storm?" Mary asked.

"You're strong, a storm braver if ever I saw one." Matthew said proudly.

_Mary, you can handle a little scandal. I will love you anyway._

"Well you were wrong about one thing." Matthew said.

"What is that?" Mary asked.

"I never would… I never could despise you." Matthew smiled at her.

_My love for you is much too strong to be overcome by this… incident._


End file.
